Sometimes I feel out of control, succumbing into an endless spiral of nothingness after each breath that flows past my lips.
I find that this happens when I feel like a woman without a purpose.
How many times have you questioned your existence?
How many times have you fallen asleep, tears drenching your pillow?
How many times have you hugged that same pillow so tight your arms begin to fatigue as your heart slows from the pain?
I feel like I am this whirlwind of a circus act stuck on a merry go round, pleading and praying to the the gods for a safe exit.
When I feel stuck, I am left without passion.
All creativity, humor and joy seems to escape me.
I am at a lost for words when the grey consumes the sky and my body follows suit.
What do we do when our emotions become so oddly traumatic and too much to handle?
I arrive in a state of stillness.
I get confused and lay down to cry.
I am human.
I have bad days, WE have bad days.
This evening I heard something that has aided in parting the skies.
The sky is always blue, right?
When the clouds come they are grey, they cover the sky but the sky is still inherently blue
The clouds are our emotions, temporary.
Who we really are, how we really feel… is the sky
I interpreted this as the sky is our soul, it is the same no matter the condition of the weather within.
Do we wait out the storm?
Do we play in the rain?
Or do we hide?
Is there another option?
We as the sky choose how to react to the storm.
No matter what, it is our choice.
That is how we take control.
In the grand scheme of things our control is yes, very limited.
However, this does not mean that we can’t take control over our behavior and the way we act towards external influences in our day to day lives.
Do we get swept up?
Or do we root down.
At one point I felt as if everything was a split second away from ending with each passing hour that I remained alive.
No matter what I did I couldn’t escape it.
I exhausted all options that I could think of at the time but my thinking was too narrow.
I played victim and either hid away in the dark or let the storm take me under until I myself became a hurricane for those around me.
Playing victim is fucking exhausting.
It is not the role for us to play.
We are not victims.
We have persevered, we have survived.
Though you may feel out of control or like your world is in a giant ball of chaos…it’s not.
The world will not end over you being late to your morning meeting.
It will not end if you missed a call and have yet to return it.
It will not end if you still are unemployed.
It will not end if you are dead broke, struggling to stay afloat.
It will not end if you’ve lost a loved one.
It will not end even if you feel like it.
The earth has survived worse.
You will go through worse.
This is life.
We were born into a world where struggle is present, for ALL humans and animals alike.
We have the choice.
Choose to live.
Choose to see the blue through the grey.
Choose to speak and say what you want to say.
Choose to dream.
Choose to follow your curiosity to the depths of this earth and dive into the pool of passion.
Be who you truly ARE.
Choose to see the corny light that we are all told is waiting for us at the end of that dark tunnel.
Because, NEWS FLASH…it is.
Don’t lose hope just yet.
Make the choice.
See the world through a different set of eyes.
Take on what you can, little by little.
The rest will come.
Life has a funny way of working itself out that way.
(Inspiration and quote from Netflix original show, Orange is the new black.)